“Mom I can’t act like its okay. I’m only thirteen years old,” I said
“He is you brother. You have to forgive him,” she said.
That’s what you always say I thought.
The rays of the morning sun had not fully penetrated the gloomy overcast like the weather man had predicted. Above my head were a group of birds whistling sweet melodies where I was seated on a green bench waiting for the building to open. The building was intriguing because it did not resemble a typical public library. It was constructed like an ancient Greek building where scholars would translate and transcribed important text about their history. Standing near the entrance of the building was a young girl and her mother who were laughing every so often like there was an inside joke that only people who already had job experience knew. In the corner of my eye, I saw a guy walking up the stairs to the library who had also attended the SYEP (Summer Youth Employment Program) training workshops. He was dressed in a shirt and tie like a postman with his manila envelope in his hand. Everyone seemed to know exactly what they were there for.
The doors finally opened and we entered the building. Walking alone into this building was strange without my mother because everyone else was accompanied by their parents. When we entered the main lobby of the library we were told that our parents could not be part of the orientation meeting. I felt satisfied seeing the parents escorted to another corner of the library. After the parents mouthed the words “good luck” to their children, we all walked to a small table with pieces of papers that had our names in titles that began like Mr. or Ms….. The library supervisor walked in and gave a brief description of what it means to work in a professional public organization. Then, our site supervisor told us that we would have pay close attention to the library supervisor regarding our duties at the library because she would receive an evaluation of our behavior each week.
After this formal introduction, we were taken into the break room and given our uniform. Then, the site supervisor told us quietly that, “if we had any problem with any employee or with our supervisor, we should contact her immediately.” She was very polite to us, and every time she smiled her face would create two dents in the side of her cheeks.
After our site supervisor left, the library supervisor informed us that that we would be trained by a more experienced employee for three days, then we would need to work on our own. Throughout the day, I had struggled with the responsibilities because I had to reshelf books that were brought in by patrons, organize specific book sections, and maintain a clean play area for the younger children. The day was longer than I expected and my feet were hurting me. Then, I heard a strange voice say, “Great job Sergio,” when I signed my time sheet, so I smiled, and said my formal, “Thank you.” I left work satisfied and ran home to tell my mom about my first day of working at the library, even though Cain would receive all the attention for coming home late as usual because he broke his curfew. However, I had stories that would transform the experience at the library into an odyssey that would grab the interest one anyone.
The next day I returned to work at 8:30 a.m., and again I sat outside on the green wooden bench under a tree. Under the shade of the tree, I was going through the advice my mom had told me about being professional at work the night before: “Always greet your co-workers even if they don’t say hello first, always dress appropriately, and always speak properly.” Then, I remembered my brother asking me how I got the job; he had always received the better gifts because he was older, but more importantly he was the first son. So this feeling of possessing something he desired was satisfying. My thoughts were disturbed when one of my co-workers who had been carrying a manila envelope the first day of the job walked up the stairs and sat next to me. He had facial hair, an earring, and looked a lot older than I thought.
“Wow, you’re pretty young. What is your name? He asked.
“Sergio. What’s your name?” I said.
“Paul,” he replied.
“So Joseph, can I ask you a question?” he asked.
“Sure,” I replied
“So what are you planning to do with the money you earn for the summer?” Paul asked.
The first thought that came into my head was to say, “I’m going to save it for a rainy day,” but instead I said, “I will probably buy new cloths for the first day of high school and some video games.”
He smiled and said, “That’s smart.”
The library supervisor walked up to the stairs to the front of the building. Immediately I said, “Good Morning” like a programmed robot. Paul and I followed the supervisor into the building. As I walked into the lobby, I greeted the security officer and headed to the break room to get changed. I took off my casual shirt and put on a bright green shirt that had the letters SYEP printed on the back that the site supervisor had given me. I disliked this shirt because I felt out of place amongst patrons, but it reminded me of my old back yard in Suriname where it was the only color you saw when you stood on the veranda and saw luscious green leaves of banana, coconut, and mango trees. After changing, I went to sign in and looked at the daily duties that I was responsible for the week. I felt overwhelmed because I did not expect to have so many responsibilities, but then I remembered that my mother said, “You reap what you sow.” So I accepted this challenge with great zeal because I knew the payout would be worth it.
It was lunch time and one of the girls at the library who was also employed by SYEP began talking to me. She was much older than me and I was nervous, but curious about speaking to her. She had a rose tattoo with the name Marcus surrounded in thorns on her arm that could be seen by everyone, but I guess the formal sweater hanging on the back of the chair was her way of hiding her tattoo when she was working. Her main duty was to work at the circulation desk where patrons would check-out and check-in books because she possessed a charismatic personality and had great customer service experience. Her eyes were intriguing that reflected the color of my shirt when I spoke to her. She started telling me how she was only doing this job along with another job because she wanted to save up to pay for her high school prom and a vacation before she began college. When she started talking about her prom, I imagined what I would do with the money that I would be earning from this job.
Two weeks later, I was walking to work and the sun was finally glistening in the sky like the weather man had predicted. The playground next to the library was an orchestra with shouts of independence, innocence, and pain all combined to produce a grotesque harmony. I walked confidently to my workplace greeting everyone at the library because I knew that my first paycheck would be waiting there for me. I walked into my supervisor’s office and collected my check. Immediately, I ripped opened the sealed check and was surprised at the amount that was located on the right corner of this piece of paper $332.15. Then, I looked more intently at the piece of paper and saw the words social security, Medicare, and state tax that had consumed about eight percent of my check, but it did not bother me because I was a thirteen year old kid with $352.15 to my name. So I started my day a little more confidently because I would receive this amount every two weeks, which would be a great beginning to my savings.
After I had completed my duties at work, my supervisor smiled at me and said, “Thanks a lot for spending a few extra minutes organizing the book shelf.” I smiled and said, “No problem.” I left the library, but I wanted to stay a little longer instead of going home and seeing my brother and mother argue because he did not do any of his chores all day. However, the eager expectation of showing my mother my first check came fluttering in, so I walked home thinking about the new bike that I could now buy that my brother would not be able to use because I bought it on my own.
I arrived home and ran to my mother. She was sleeping, but I woke her up and said, “Mom, guess what I have?”
She smiled and looked at me with content, “What is going on?”
“I received my first paycheck mom,” I said.
“Wonderful Joseph, remember that you have to give you tithe.”
The rest of the evening I thought about all the things I could buy now: a new video game for my play station game console, a bicycle, and gifts for my family during the Christmas season.
Right after this, my brother walked into the house smelling like cigarettes and asked my mother for a little raise meaning that he wanted some spending money. My mom was angry at him because he smelled like cigarettes. He told her that it was his friends who were smoking around him, but she was really angry at him because she had already given him a raise this week. The two of them went back and forth until she gave in and reached into her bag and handed him a ten dollar bill. She told him to not spend it all in one day. My brother was never really concerned about money because he knew that my mother would always give him money because he knew how to get what he wanted, and if that did not work he would tell me mom that he was going to get it on his own. And in her opinion she thought it would be better to give him money than to have him look for money somewhere else that might lead him astray.
The next day, my mother and I went to the bank to deposit the check. The bank teller asked my mom what types of bills she wanted. She said very quietly, “Twenties please.” Upon leaving the bank, I asked my mom if I could hold unto the money, but she said that she would give it to me when we got home.
When we arrived home, I helped my mom unpack the bags of groceries and she gave me the money that I had earned. Right after, I ran to my room and locked the door and began counting my hard earned money. Now I need to find a place to put it since I could not open a bank account I thought. I looked in my drawer and saw my GameBoy Advance case. So I counted the money one last time and put it in an envelope with my name and tucked it into the secret pocket in the GameBoy Advance case.
Two days later I began my routine again, but I was more zealous about my job because I finally reaped the fruits of my labor. I signed in and began my assigned tasks for that specific day. The atmosphere at the library was serene because I was a quick learner, and so my supervisor asked another employee to train me to work at the circulation desk. I felt thrilled about being trained on the front desk because my hard work was being recognized. After I had helped a few patrons, I took my lunch break and went to eat my lunch in the playground next to the library. I saw my brother walking towards the playground. What did he want? I thought. He did not even notice me. He was meeting up with his friends. So I walked up to him.
“Hey what’s up,” I said
“Oh little dude what’s up,” he replied.
“Hey mom is going to be late today so go by Aunty Meg’s house,” he said
“Why? Aren’t you going to be home?” I asked him.
“No, I’m going to chill my friends,” he replied.
After my lunch break was over, I went back to finish my work. What a loser I thought.
After work was over I walked over to my aunt’s house. When I entered the house, my grandmother said, “Joseph I hear you have a job. It’s a good thing to work at a young age because you will be prepared for the future.” I replied, “Yes, grandma I know.” A few hours passed and my mother came to pick me up from my aunt’s house and we walked home.
While the two of us were walking home, I asked my mother, “Why don’t you punish Cain when he acts out or comes home late.”
She said, “I punish him, but he does not learn. What else can I do he is only fifteen years old?”
I wanted to tell her about the pack of cigarettes and lighter I found in his jacket pocket, but I knew it would not help the situation.
She said, “Sergio not all the fingers on your hand are even. So not everyone thinks the same way about life.”
Two weeks later, I received another check with $372.12. I was getting used to this feeling of maturity. With the extra money I decided to treat my family, so I went to the local Caribbean restaurant and bought them some fried rice, oxtail stew, and fried plantains. My brother came home late, but my mom had fallen asleep so he did not receive any punishments. He came home smelling like rum that my mom would use whenever she baked rum cake during the Christmas season. He walked in stumbling and fell on my shoulder smelling like cigarettes. I hated the smell of cigarettes. I should wake up mom right now and show her what her precious Cain looks like I thought, but instead I helped him get to bed trying not to wake-up my mother.
The next day I went into my underwear draw to get ten dollars from my GameBoy Advance case where I had stored my savings in the secret pocket on the inside. When I opened the case all the money was gone. I was furious and immediately blamed my brother. I wanted to hurt him. I searched my entire room, and then I took a moment and relaxed. I waited until he came home to confront him. My mother came home from work and I ran to the door. Right away I told her what had happened.
She said, “I probably misplaced it.
I yelled, “No, it was him.” I waited until he came home and I confronted him. He denied taking the money, but I knew he took it. My mom came between the two of us and I blurted it out, “Steve smokes; I found a pack of cigarettes in his jacket pocket.” He ran towards me and began beating me. He hit me in the face and I tasted my own blood. And now I wanted him to do the same. I tried hitting him in the face, but instead I hit him in the chest, but it did not slow him down. He ran towards me and I remembered the day he taught me how to ride a bike.
It was summertime and the sun was at its highest peak at the time of the day.
“Joseph, get on the bike and hold onto the handle bars. Try balancing your weight on the bike,” he said.
“Okay, but can we do it tomorrow. I’m really tired and I want to a snow cone,” I said.
He commanded me to get on the bike and hold onto the bars. Then, he told me to pedal while he held onto the back of the bike seat. Then, he let go. I was finally doing it on my own. The air was on my face and I was flying past the houses. Suddenly, I lost my balance and fell; he ran towards the toppled bike and began examining me like I was a precious stone.
“You shouldn’t have done that” he said.
I didn’t know if he still recognized me because I was a punching bag for his anger. My pleading and crying did not stop him. Then, my mom came between the two of us and he stopped. He walked away like a poacher who acquired his precious ivory from his prey. He stormed out of the house and slammed the door as he left. My mother sat there in the corner looking worried, telling me that everything will work out. The two of us sat there and I asked her what she was going to do and she said, “You guys are brothers; you have to forgive him.” I sat in the corner crying and thinking that’s what you always say….
I like your piece, I noticed some flash backs as you and your brother were going at it. I like how the ending of your story connected with the beginning of your story. Your use of details and imagery is on point. I would have liked to see the connection you had with your brother. In your piece your brother is always the figure in the background and I find no real connection between you and him. How do you feel about your brother? The first person you blamed was him. Do you trust your brother? are some questions to think about. I would also like to hear about the connection you have with your mother. Also if you want you can turn this piece around by adding how social security and other taxes affect your paycheck.
“That’s what you always say.” I really like that you began and ended the story with this; however, feel like it took you too long to get to the climax. The story is interesting, but I think you need to condense it some.
Your story was very interesting and your use of description really helps the reader understand and feel everything you went through. I was expecting something a little bit different. I thought your climax was going to be a little more dramatic considering the amount of build up you provided. However, even though you didn’t give us any dramatic ending, the subtlety of the ending in your piece is actually refreshing. I felt like it allowed the event to sink in and it made us sympathize with you. The ending was sad and therefore I didn’t feel like you needed some sort of grand ending. I would work on cutting out some details such as the conversation with your coworkers and how deeply you describe your time at work. My favorite part of the piece was ” …but it reminded me of my old back yard in Suriname where it was the only color you saw when you stood on the veranda and saw luscious green leaves of banana, coconut, and mango trees.” The description and vivid imagery you provide us with here it a nice touch to your piece. I would just work on chopping unnecessary details. Otherwise, this is a very good first draft.
I like your technique of connecting the end to the beginning. Actually, total catharsis with your story. I got so sad at the end where the main character was being beat on by his brother and he remembered the time he taught him to ride a bike, fell off, and was examined by him as if he were a precious stone…that stuff was great. I actually felt upset about how Steve turned out. Because it did feel like the story was essentially about this moment you lost something for your brother, a sense of trust, or brotherly love, you really need to explore the emotions behind it. I think you may need to expand upon Steve’s behavior to create a greater catharsis too; I felt like there needed to be more details about what the main character observed about his going out, his group of friends, etc. I understood your telling us about your experiences with the SYEP job because it reveals why the money was so important to you, thus why you felt so upset when Steve took your money. Oh yeah, huge question mark: Sergio/Joseph??? I wasn’t sure at that point if this was actually a fictional piece written about a main character named Joseph, and you had actually tried changing Joseph to Sergio in order to turn it in for Prose workshop or not. Yeah, just a warning about possible misconceptions…Not sure about your title. It sounds too prescriptive. Setting is another thing. Give setting for the current location if the main character does talk about another place he was from, and you don’t have to tell us explicitly what city, but if you’re trying to contrast it to Suriname, then make sure you do this by providing us with details to contrast it with.
^Actually, I wanted to change that last bit. Not setting.
Location is another thing. I wasn’t sure about the current location because the main character does talk about another place he was from. You don’t have to tell us explicitly what city, but if you’re trying to contrast it to Suriname, then make sure you do this by really differentiating between these two places. Other than that, you give great, great details for setting and imagery. Nicely done.
Great piece. The voice of the narrator was innocent and youthful. I like how you came full circle with the piece and ended it on the same note you began it with. Grest emotions and details about your SYEP job. Also you really showed readers your relationship between you and your mom.
The climax of the story wasn’t as strong as I thought it would be. Perhaps you could find more focus on you and your brother’s relationship. Great piece
great story, you have to change all the names you kinda confused me i didn’t know if you were Sergio or joseph, and calling your brother Cain is pretty obvious and unnecessary, and the conclusion kinda of left me wanting more, i think there was alot more to say here, you go on and describe your settings quite clearly, maybe sometimes TOO clearly, and dont describe your emotions as clearly which kinda affects the flow of the story.
great story, clever title really entertaining to read.
Good story, great ending.
Despite the important aspect of “The Unspoken Principle” being the conflict with your brother, I like the buildup and the structure of your story the most. It would’ve liked you to have revised your piece before posting on the blog because I feel that the confusion of all the name changes took away from the flow of the story. I feel like the reflection of your brother teaching you how to ride a bike showed great significance of who he was in your life; not just as your brother but as a role model or even a father figure. I wished you would’ve mentioned another moment that happened where he let you down earlier in the story to intensify the tension or frustration you had for Cain. Your ending was great you you perfectly executed the connection between the beginning and the end. Don’t be concerned about your piece being too personal. Great job Sergio.
I liked your story a lot. It was very frustrating to read about how the narrator’s older brother is not working and already abusing drugs while his younger brother is the responsible one who dislikes cigarettes and is learning to work for an honest dollar. You contrasted the two brothers very well and the reader very quickly can pass judgements on them both.
I didn’t like the foreshadowing to the money being stolen. Since that moment was a shock to you, I think you should also make that moment be a shock to the reader. From the time you started mentioning your brother asking your mom for money, you being really excited at opening up your first paycheck and you hiding the cash in your drawer, the reader can already predict what would happen to it.
I enjoyed this piece a lot in that I too have siblings.
The only thing that I am still confused about is the correlation between your piece and the title. I can clearly see it has something to do with your brother allegedly stealing the money but I feel like this is lost in the discussion of SYEP.
I understand the lengthiness is present to give your readers the importance of the job but I feel like you fail to share with us the importance of “the unspoken principle”.
Otherwise, great piece.
Great piece. I really enjoyed reading this piece. Its a very relatable piece. I like the significance you conveyed that your brother had at some point but then destroyed later on when he was teaching you how to ride a bike and you got hurt that piece showed vivid imagery.
I like how your story is about traditional values and yet it is never mentioned or hated. I feel like this story could easily fit in a rant about everything that is bad about hierarchies in families, but it doesn’t and I think it’s much better that way. It flows well. You seem even more innocent because you don’t actively challenge your family too much and it makes the reader more sympathetic to your struggle. I particularly relate to the dynamic between you and your brother as I have a sibling of my own that isn’t very honest. I enjoyed this story and especially liked that it was from your younger self’s point of view.
The Unspoken principle
Reading your piece was an enjoyment. I can relate to it because I have an older brother, like in your case my brother is a difficult person to deal with.
The voice in the story to me sounds as a frustrated, determined, and caring boy. While reading the story I felt that the mother was barely there for Sergio because of certain quotes that made me assumed that. Such as, “Walking alone into this building was strange without my mother because everyone else was accompanied by their parents.” “I arrived home and ran to my mother. She was sleeping, but I woke her up and said, “Mom, guess what I have?”’ I enjoyed those hidden clues in the piece.
I enjoyed the layout of the piece; I was able to follow the story line. Good job.
I am glad you tell on your brother. Your problems with your mother and brother were very relatable. You were very fortunate to work at such an early age. Using both names Sergio and Joseph is confusing. Your descriptions are good. I would like to know more about your feelings for your mother and brother. I like that when you were fighting with your brother you remembered him teaching you how to ride a bike.
Getting your first paycheck is probably the greatest feeling in the world next to losing your virginity (speaking from a guy’s perspective). I personally am an older brother. Older by 10 1/2 years. I never bully my 12-yr-old brother, much less use him as a punching bag to funnel my anger. I think that the author is trying to channel his joys and sorrows in his life onto the reader with this piece. He expects the reader to sympathize.
I like how you displayed the conflict between you and your brother. You also connected the beginning of the piece to the end very well. By beginning and ending with the same quote, you definitely made the point of your piece point much stronger. I would have liked to dive deeper into the mind of your young character, and know a little more about his feelings towards his brother, and how they evolved throughout this journey. This piece had a great use of narrative and language!
I think this piece is VERY informative to the point that the author provides too much unnecessary events, especially about Paul and the lady with the rose tattoo. I think the author does a great job at describing events and the language used in this piece. I think this piece can be improved by perhaps providing more information about the narrator’s family dynamics. I would like to learn more about the mother, why does she come off as a passive mother? was she always like that?
This was a great and nicely written piece. I appreciated the foreshadowing of the line “You have to forgive him.” It had a strong and meaningful purpose to the story and it was strong in all accounts.
It could have used a little bit of trimming so that it would not have felt as long.
The dialogue played a key role in the interactions that you had with your mother and your brother. That suited the piece well.
What I felt was out of place was the interaction with the author and Paul. That could possibly be removed, so that the interaction in the story is more dependent on the brothers and not a coworker or anything.
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