Leave of Absence

156 Replies

I’m back. The guy with the boner; the man who can’t tell one head from the other sometimes. Okay I can, but why bother sometimes?

 

I got my new meds, and boy do they keep me down for the count. I suppose the opposite of anxiety is restfulness. Can’t even remember what I dream about.

 

Do I feel like going to class today? No.

 

Should I go? Maybe. I love the class. I love the discussions, but this past week and a half has been a drag like you wouldn’t believe, and I cannot properly express experiencing pain without pain; that I do not feel well at all in a particular way.

 

It is my belief that we as human beings have two types of energy. One is mental, and the other is physical. Each one influences the other. Ever hear the phrase “Get your mind in gear and your ass will follow?” That’s using your mental energy to influence the body, and I think you can do the same with the body (influencing the mind). Studies show forcing a smile changes hormonal levels and produces a more positive outlook. Exercise has tons of benefits for instance in positive thinking as well.

 

Sometimes we reach a point, when this energy is depleted, and that manifests in multiple ways, such as a nervous breakdown or just collapsing for a day. Mine was the latter. When you’ve hit this point, you don’t feel well at all, and if you do, you’re lying to yourself. Sometimes, we have to take a day for ourselves. I believe for this reason religions came up with the Sabbath. Back in simpler times it was easier to manipulate people, or so I think, so if a deity everyone is told to believe in says something, then they’d better do it or else they’ll go to hell; take a nap kids.

 

Speaking of hell, being drained is more of a temporary Purgatory we go to. Your body feels somewhere between a pile of rocks and what I imagine it would feel like to have every inside except bones. Your mind is aware; you’d kind of like to get up and do something and know that you probably should, yet a wiser part of you kicks in and says “you need this day.”

 

For me, this day kind of turned into a few days. I missed classes and probably fell behind, but held up other obligations. Ironically, it was also a chance to catch up on school work. What’s the point of going anywhere when you’re half dead? What good are you? Plus with everyone around me getting sick, I wanted to make sure I didn’t follow suit. I didn’t want to show up with purple pokadots all over my face while wheezing at every step and say “Hey everybody” then keel over.

 

Fuck it. I know the consequences and part of being an adult is living with consequences, even if they will be bad. You can’t prevent everything; you’re not superman, and boy does that fact make me angry, because it feels like some days, I need to be. It’s unjust I tell you.

 

The thing about being human is we have all kinds of kryptonites; sex, power, drugs, etc.  You name it, and it can be a weakness for us. Fighting these temptations and beating ourselves up after we give in, takes energy from us. We will falter eventually, unless you’re that one guy who can run four 48 hours straight because his body has less lactic acid in it when he runs then when he’s not running. Ridiculous, but then again, even he’s got to take a break. Still, I’m jealous, aren’t you?

 

What makes things worse, is all the things that fucked us up along the way to becoming adults. Our eating disorders, self-esteem, anxiety, all of it; it’s enough to make me believe in God just to hate him. These things are the permanent drains. Sure, we develop coping mechanisms to deal with them, almost like our psyches are involved in the whole conservation of energy thing; we reduce the energy required to maintain these issues. The irony here though, is that it takes a ton of energy to grow out of them, and just to admit we have them in the first place. I can’t blame addicts really. I’m still mad when they abandon or mistreat their children because they’re just perpetuating a really sick cycle, but when they’re doing it to themselves, I kind of understand. It’s like when I’m biting my nails or something. These things just take more and more energy from us.

 

Why do I bring up the topic of energy? Well, the lack of it is my reason for being out obviously, but there’s more to it than that. See, this whole conversation was just an excuse for me to vent. I’ve been cooking, cleaning, sorting, organizing, for days in a row, while having to help someone build a costume or else deal with them being really pissed at me. Furthermore I have school, work, and then dealing with an old man, my friend’s father who is selfish and senile. If it wasn’t for the meds, which are not sleep pills, I may not have caught up on sleep at all. See, I would be happy to help my friend despite the way they’ve been “asking,” but the way they ask comes from their own desperation; they NEED this costume for the convention because it means something to them. It’s going to restore some energy to them. I get it, but don’t wait to the last fucking minute to build it and to ask for people to help. I’m not a tool to be used at their whim… Fuck it, I have to talk to them about this; just another thing to take up energy, and thus, the cycle of life continues.

156 thoughts on “Leave of Absence”

  2. David Castro

    very enjoyable, for a essay really about nothing, which i don’t mean offensively.

    great insight in your piece,

    “I’m back. The guy with the boner; the man who can’t tell one head from the other sometimes. Okay I can, but why bother sometimes?”
    great line, great beginning

    read smoothly and kept me entertained through out

    Reply ↓
  3. Li Huang

    Uh… You have no idea how much fucking energy it takes for me to arrive on time for this class. I feel you bro. I hate this system just as much as you do, if not even more. Get a Red Bull and Bull Shit. That’s how you get by sometimes.

    Reply ↓
  4. fármacos

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