There are a few things that I carry with me that always trigger memories of a different time, sometimes thoughts so deep embedded in my subconscious mind that i’m just left with a feeling in my chest, the resonating emotions of a past time. The scent of my mothers perfume, the scent of the janitors bucket in my preschool classroom, or the rings around my grandmothers pale eyes that always used to scare me as a child. These feelings are impossible to shake off, even as I grow older. At first these memories are vivid and clear. I remember every sound, every crack in the concrete, every weed sticking out of the street, the smell of the wet asphalt as a gentle rain sweeps over me. Yet the more I concentrate about the memory, the more it eludes me, until nothing is left but a shadow of who I once was. As I see the sun setting, and its mirthless rays barely make it through to me, I am stuck with another memory of not too long ago, its vivid and clear and its still fresh in my mind.
The suns rays hit my eyes, dodging the giant buildings of the city. It casts an amber shadow on my face and blinds me. Im sitting in the middle of the street looking down at the steep stretch of road ahead. As the sun slowly sets and disappears behind the skyscrapers, a golden red sky takes over. I am surrounded by my best friends, up on the hill. We’re all on our second or third 40, and we laugh at nothing, just at the notion of being drunk at 16, euphoria that only a young mind could achieve, and one that an adult always hopes to find.
Alex is here today, a usual rarity since hes always busy with other more scholarly affairs. A light weight, but you cant blame him; with his thin, lanky frame. He always stands right beside the telephone pole, bottle in hand, waiting for anyone to approach him. I would talk to him, but a drunk talk with him just leads to a gnawing feeling of indifference. His existential views are always so convincing that it seems that my optimism is synonymous with stupidity. He speaks of our insignificance, and how despite our efforts we will always be trapped within these thoughts, slaves to the idea of being more, but just lying short of any possibility. He will stand occasionally chiming in some of his witty commentary.
Alejandro still has the happiness that has since left him. He always the denied the reality of things, the seriousness of everything, because he believed taking things serious was to grow up, and to face reality was dieing. He was the type of guy to sleep through three sections of the SATs because he believed life beyond high school was reality, and he did everything in his power to slow that path to entropy. But now I see him in this memory, a completely careless person. An entity that only lives through the medium of my thoughts. He drinks more than he should, and calls his girlfriend and leaves her voicemails of how much he loves her. He is not as smart as Alex, or maybe just not as pretentious, I don’t know, but its always nice to have a nice balance, between completely serious and jovial innocence.
This is a usual outing. Nothing too special, just something we did because we had the 20 dollars our parents gave us to go the movies. It was then, off to the deli on Fresh Pond avenue where the nice korean lady never gave us any trouble, or asked for I.D. If she wasn’t working that day, we were off to the liquor store on Wycoff avenue, where the elderly indian man never seemed to be living in the the current moment. Worst case scenario, we took turns asking random guys who looked “cool” to get us some beer, or if we were lucky, we’d pay a nice homeless man to do it for us. We grabbed our bottles and tossed them in our book bags, then it was time to go trek that hill, right outside the main street of Fresh Pond.
As we hike the sinuous road to an abandoned street right by the crematorium and the cemetery, evidence of our previous outings is seen all over. Cracked bottles, cigarette butts, beer caps, and dutch master wraps right under the street light. We sat on the cold asphalt, our backs facing the stop sign. We could see all of Ridgewood from this peak, it gave us a clear view of Manhattan, and of the day turning into night.
It started with us three, It would soon expand into groups of ten or even twenty. It gave a certain youthfulness to a place that constantly reminded us of our impermanence. There were times in those late august evenings, where I would feel nostalgic before the moment was over.
As the moon casted a melancholy shadow over the faces on the 20 or so, a deep somber fell over me. I saw the faces of life, that would soon deteriorate as reality would set in. Wrinkles would grow in the creases where we’ve smiled a thousand times, a spirit would soon be encroached by responsibility, and reality.
The night would end. It would six in the morning, and its rays would again reflect back to the same spot. It was time to go home to an angry hispanic mom waiting for me in the living room, with an arsenal of shoes, sandals, and belts. I chew a pack of gum, down a bag of salt and vinegar chips, some beef jerky and some leaves from the trees. I walk in to the CVS and spray myself with some Febreeze and Axe, and leave without paying. Its hard to put the key in the door, and I stumble inside to a beating…oh well, worth it.
The hill on 62nd avenue and 65th Street is now empty, the streets are cleaned but, the weeds still grow from the same cracks, the walls still bear the same graffiti, the crematorium still sets an ominous mood. Its dreary and gray, and smells of urine. It is still the same hill, the same smell, the same sun, but its a different idea, a different entity. Its disgusting, it smells, its dirty. I start to question if this was the same place it was before. My memory is starting to fade, as my new ideas take over. It has been 4 years since those nights here. I concentrate and remember the places where everyone was once sitting, but that is all I have, my memories, and a place rendered meaningless by nothing else but time. Maybe I would soon move somewhere out of this city, to a different country where the sun would set on a different side, and find a new place where the echoes of past youths have come and gone, where time is recycled over and over, until there is none left. Maybe this hill, is just nothing else but a elevated plateau.
Although your piece was short, it was to the point. At first I thought that perhaps a part of the story was missing because it wasn’t as wordy or lengthy as some of the other pieces we’ve seen, but in retrospect I realized that this was on probably done on purpose. Maybe your point was not to tell us about anything more but just the feeling and emotions you write about in your memoir. It’s different from most memoirs where writers tend to explicitly flesh out significant events in their lives. Your piece was more of a recount of a general time period and it’s done so in a way that epitomizes what I feel like I usually critique; that of showing and not tell.
You described a scene during a time in your life of which many can relate to. There was enough detail and imagery within the piece which allowed the reader to close there eyes and visualizes the setting. I personally associated my own hangout area in which my friends and I would do the same things. This caused me to feel the nostalgia and melancholy that you emphasize throughout your piece. There were a couple of grammatical errors which can be easily fixed. If anything, try to make the opening paragraph more relatable to your story. Include information about what your memoir is about right off the bat. Other than that, I really enjoyed reading your piece. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one with “an angry Hispanic mom”…
I’m going to have to reread this at another time. I feel the sentimentalism, like Trainspotting or one of those films. Man, it’s been so long since I’ve seen that. This story has something “off,” about it but in a good way, like the movie “Clerks.” I like the realism of the piece, and even though some of the stuff is illegal it still paints a heartwarming picture.
I enjoyed how concise and illustrative this piece was because the narrator sets up the scene in the exposition, and then gives a character description of his friends that allows the reader to connect with the memory. The voice of the reader is very active and philosophical because the main character talks about life as a thinker rather than a mindless teenager who is chugging a 40 and smoking as explained in the piece. The sequence of certain events in the plot threw the reader off a bit; for example, paragraph 8 talks about three friends relaxing at their hang out spot, then it talks about 20 people at the same location. I felt that by including 20 other individuals it took away the significance of this intimate scene and the importance of each character.
I would suggest that the narrator include an anecdote in the story to play on the idea of a memory being triggered when the main character sees and object. This would be slow down the pacing of the story, which would create a sense of anticipation with the reader. The description when the main character goes to the local CVS to use the fragrance sprays and axe deodorant was very informative because it explains a lot about the narrator’s personality as being a mix between Alex and Alejandro. Overall, I found this piece enlightening and educational in regards to the wide array of words employed, which strengthen the writer’s credibility as an author.
Good story, great ending.
I like how you explained the size of the beverage short; “We’re all on our second or third 40” it’s obvious that you know the sizes of the alcohol beverages. You can buy a bottle of beer that is 40 ounces as opposed to the usual 12 oz bottle. Your piece was short in general; you can add that it’s possible to get around the legal issues of alcohol in your piece. I like the use of your details. Also your reference to a street and avenue makes the writer want to actually visit that area. I get the idea that time dies and memories live forever. Nice piece.
Your piece was very visual from the beginning to end and for that reason enjoyable despite the tone used. I liked how the subject you chose to write about was very relatable with what many of us are currently experiencing. What’s great about what your story is that it didn’t surround a particular event or person. It would have been nice if you would’ve included a short part of who your were in that time like you chose to do with your best friends Alex and Alejandro. That way the reader would’ve gotten a feel of the dynamic between you three and what connects you guys. Although you were consistent in description throughout your piece, something seemed to be missing towards the end when you wrote about going home. I wanted to know more about what was going on through your head but you possibly did that to suggest the state of mind you had after a night of drinking. I thought this piece would be about your family based on your first couple of sentences so maybe that could revised. Overall, your piece is well written.
Starting with smells that trigger memories is a great introduction that comes back to the ending. Now mature you recognize your hang out place as disgusting, speaking to your mature hindsight perspective, but even so that place is still connected to your youth and the enjoyment you had their. Even though that enjoyment was juvenile the connection to it as a youth speaks to your longing for adulthood and freedom. It now that you have adulthood and freedom you can’t go back to your childish ways.
The part about Alejandro speaks to every coming of age story where one wants to hold on to a time that they know won’t last forever. The commentary on him and Alex places you in the middle as someone that recognizes these activities as destructive ( through punishment from your mom) but you continue them because you know it won’t last ( willing to accept the beatings)
The part about your mom, though brief, was enough to show that this rebellious behavior was rebellious behavior and not the norm as oppose to being your normal behavior that you were never chastised or punished for.
The piece is very concise, and I feel that the structure is well tone and the story is polished. The transparency of your beliefs as a youth isn’t fully formed. I believe the piece is more about a hindsight perspective that touches on your childhood perspective through similes. My only criticizing is more transparent commentary from your childhood perspective, and then hindsight commentary on your childhood perspective. Nit-picking? Yes, but that because it’s a pretty solid piece loaded with subtext
I understand writing in present tense about the past. It’s not a problem. It is a problem, however, when you mix the past, present, and future (of the story anyway). It gets confusing. Example: “Alejandro still has the happiness that has since left him.” I see that you used present tense because you are reliving the memory. If you’re going to do this, I suggest more specifically clarifying that it’s a memory from the beginning. I actually had to reread to catch it. “As I see the sun setting, and its mirthless rays barely make it through to me, I am stuck with another memory of not too long ago, its vivid and clear and its still fresh in my mind” speaks about the memory too abstractly. I think you could give us details about the specific memory. Really bring us to the circumstances around the memory, even what day it is. If you don’t want to do this, then I think you should just rewrite it in past tense to allow your narrator the chance to talk about the actual present time. But something about it needs to change. I’m also not sure about the ending. I liked where it was going, but the last sentence felt out of place somehow. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t sure what else the hill was supposed to be but an elevated plateau? You could make the hill into a metaphor before that line so that the contrast is greater. Chewing leaves from a tree? I think that is too uncommon among people to have been included in a list like that; it just sticks out and confuses a reader. You have a couple grammar problems (comma splices, capitalization) and spelling errors (dying, not dieing) you can clean up, but I was really captivated by your imagery and language in this piece. Really great language. I like how insightful you were about your friends and how you compared them to each other with their very different personalities. Good stuff. Keep going.
Leaves work, totally throws moms off
Nice piece. Very vivid and descriptive. It tells a lot rather than showing. It is relatable and reminiscent.
This was an excellent read. You were very descriptive in your writing. I enjoyed the details of the sun light casting shadows that made the people’s skin amber, the cracked sidewalk, the grass. You included details about the view of Manhattan and the number of people you used to go to the hangout with. And also how you minors acquired the 40’s. These details made the reading very vivid in my head and I could easily picture the setting in my own head. I’m from Queens too, but I can easily picture any youth from the outer boroughs being able to relate to your story.
The descriptions of Alex and Alejandro were great. I like how you characterized them. I didn’t like Alex much because he seems like a boomer to be around (if he creates indifference when talking to him drunk, why even go drinking with him?), and this made me wonder why would anyone invite to this place, but I would not question that he is smart. If you can expand on why Alex would want to go to a place like this or why people would want to converse with him in the first place, it would improve our understanding of him. I’m not sure how you wanted the reader to perceive him, but I found him annoying. If this isn’t your goal, consider a revise.
I felt pity Alejandro. He seemed foolishly irresponsible and short sighted. As I read, I couldn’t help but wonder why his happiness is gone today. If you can include a brief description of what happened to take his joy away, it’d be great.
Overall, great job man. I like how nothing really happens in your story, no dramatic rising action or climax, yet the whole thing is entertaining, that’s a sign of a good writer.
This is a great piece. It is colorfully written and easy to read. I’m really fond of the way you began quite broad in your thinking and then you extracted a specific time in your life.
I think the pieces’ only flaw is the significance of certain events and individuals in comparison to your-self. For instance “The night would end…It was time to go home to an angry hispanic mom waiting for me in the living room, with an arsenal of shoes, sandals, and belts…” Was this something you did often? Was this routine of just specific for this event. How have Alex and Alejandro shaped your past? Are they different in regards to yourself?
Your ending however, is great. It connects your specific event in relation to yourself and reminiscence of the past.
More analysis in regards to your-self would be great.
Easy to read, very descriptive and relatable piece. I really liked how you started off your piece.The imagery and detail you conveyed was very good it allowed us to visualize the setting of the piece.
Your ability to be so descriptive makes your writing very beautiful. Your last sentence is perfect.
I felt your piece was good, after reading it the second time. After I understood the voice of the narrator. I was invited in to the writer’s emotions while experiencing something in life. I was able to imagine the writer’s emotions and actions while undergoing through them.
I would have to add that I would have like to see dialogue in order to imagine what the characters will say to each other.
I like the way you describe your friends. I would like more description of your friends. Your paper is very nostalgic. You explain memory very well though maybe you could elaborate on this. I would like to know what responsibilities you were avoiding with your drinking.
I feel like I’m watching a short film here. I made some references before, but to me this piece starts off with color and a sort of dark happiness. It’s not bright at all, but the color is there. Then it sort of gets greyer, darker. The piece started with a close-up of the narrator then shows the narrator almost far away, walking off into a pale sunset. What I mean by this description is that these are the images that accompany the feeling in my mind when I read this. Your narrative works.
This story is somewhat funny to me (in a good way). It reminds me of ONE TREE HILL, where the high school kids in the show act like high school life is the all there is to it in reality and existence. I think that the author’s intention in writing this was to rebel a little on a blog. The reaction he wanted from his readers is to nudge them with a tickle that he’s an American Badass. Boys will be boys.
Li, with your commentary on here i believe its you thats trying to be a badass on the blog.
Meet me in the middle, here. i could only do so much ya no ?
my writing isn’t like neuroscience.
This piece was well written, and I agree that the language was great. However, I wonder if there were a little too many metaphors that get in the way of the actual narrative. The piece was short – I’m not sure if I agree that it was concise, just because the descriptive language seemed to manipulate the entire piece. However, I did appreciate your description of your friends. I felt it was very relatable, because we all have that one friend that doesn’t believe in a life beyond high school. I wanted to enter further into the narrator’s mind, and find out more about what these senseless nights mean to him now…. Great piece!
I enjoyed how you illustrate the environment in each scene it makes the reader think that they are in the story as well. Although you do a great job describing the environment and feelings I wished you could have given the characters in this essay more description, especially the mother and how the characters shaped you as the narrator. I think you can improve this piece by adding more information about the narrator.
The introduction sentence was amazing. It provided a solid opening to the piece and left the reader wanting to read more. The scenery was top notch and I almost felt like I was there with you. I also like the ending about how time has passed and things have changed, and yet the author is still confused about life. A little bit of dialogue between the characters would give us the icing on the cake.
Right on my man!
These are really fantastic ideas in concerning blogging.
You have touched some good points here. Any way keep up wrinting.
Hello my loved one! I wish to say that this article is awesome, great written and come with approximately all vital infos.
I would like to look more posts like this .
Hello there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to
give a quick shout out and say I truly enjoy reading through your blog posts.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that deal with the same subjects?
Thanks!
Hi there i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anywhere,
when i read this post i thought i could also create comment due to
this brilliant piece of writing.
Hey there I am so delighted I found your web site, I really found you by accident,
while I was looking on Yahoo for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to
say cheers for a fantastic post and a all round enjoyable blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read it all at the minute but
I have saved it and also included your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a lot more, Please
do keep up the superb jo.
Hi Dear, are you truly visiting this site on a regular basis, if
so after that you will without doubt take fastidious know-how.
I’m amazed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s equally educative and engaging,
and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is something not enough folks are speaking intelligently about.
I am very happy I came across this during my hunt for something concerning this.
It’s fantastic that you are getting ideas from this post as well as from
our discussion made at this place.
Great blog here! Additionally your site quite a bit up fast!
What host are you the use of? Can I get your associate link for your
host? I want my site loaded up as quickly as yours lol
Just want to say your article is as astounding. The clarity in your post is simply excellent and i could assume you are an expert
on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep
updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please carry on the enjoyable work.
Hi there, I discovered your site by way of Google whilst looking for a related subject,
your website got here up, it seems good. I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
Hello there, simply become aware of your weblog through Google, and located
that it’s really informative. I am going to be careful for brussels.
I will appreciate when you continue this in future. Lots of other folks will
likely be benefited out of your writing. Cheers!
Generally I don’t learn post on blogs, but I wish to say that this write-up very
compelled me to check out and do so! Your writing taste has
been amazed me. Thanks, very nice post.
Wow, awesome blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your website is wonderful,
as well as the content!
Hi there, just wanted to say, I liked this post.
It was helpful. Keep on posting!
Greetings! Very helpful advice in this particular post! It’s the little
changes that produce the greatest changes. Many thanks for sharing!
Hmm it appears like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up
what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying
your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the
whole thing. Do you have any points for beginner blog writers?
I’d definitely appreciate it.
What’s Going down i am new to this, I stumbled upon this
I’ve found It positively helpful and it has aided me
out loads. I hope to contribute & assist different users
like its helped me. Good job.
That’s an awesome point
Just desire to say your article is as astonishing. The clearness for your publish is just great and that i can assume you’re a professional in this subject. Well together with your permission let me to grab your feed to stay updated with forthcoming post. Thanks 1,000,000 and please keep up the rewarding work.|
Yesterday, while I was at work, my sister stole my apple ipad and tested to see if it can survive a 25 foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is completely off topic but I had to share it with someone!|
Howdy very nice website!! Guy .. Beautiful .. Wonderful .. I’ll bookmark your web site and take the feeds also? I’m happy to find a lot of helpful information here in the post, we want develop extra techniques on this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .|